What is your language when it comes to someone displaying gratitude or thanksgiving towards you?

• Are you the kind that enjoys gifts?
• A card or sweet note?
• A lunch date or a request for time spent with you?
• A return of a favor or kind act?

Well, one thing to keep in mind, if you like someone just being appreciative towards you and saying thank you but the other person prefers to receive gifts or a lunch date, you may have a miscommunication in a thanksgiving situation.

For example, say this person asks you to lunch but never says audibly thank you for what ever you did and the entire time you’re waiting to hear those words that you miss lunch being those words in the other person’s language and instead take it as a vehicle for the person to get into a situation to privately say the words…and bam.

Perception from both sides can be hurt. They may not feel you appreciated them taking you to lunch and you may not feel they were really thankful but maybe just repaying what they felt they ‘owed’ you.

Communication is difficult. We all come from different generations, cultures, beliefs, environments, structures, and emotional intelligence that had different communication styles, patterns, and what was considered positive or negative.

So, here we are.

How do we show our gratitude and thankfulness with an action?

Well, first evaluate from past experience with this person how the action my be perceived or digested.

Acts of Thanks Story One:

I once new a girl who absolutely couldn’t stand when her husband would give her flowers for a holiday or anniversary or just to be nice to her, I don’t know why I never asked. He knew it, they both admitted this, but he would always have a big bouquet delivered to her at work anyway. I’m not sure why.

Maybe that’s how he was raised and by not doing it would be disrespectful to him even though to her it was disrespectful he did it anyway when she wasn’t open to receiving it. Or maybe there was past history in their relationship that made her not want them. Not my story, not my business.

The point is, I always wondered, dude why don’t you speak her language?

See, I knew for a fact this girl loved tattoos, new makeup, a fresh hair style, or shoes just for starters….a gift card to the shoe store or taking her to get the tattoo she had been talking about for 2 years to show thanks or whatever, would have been her language.

I saw him do one or two of those things over the years and she lit up, he didn’t understand why it was such a big deal. He was speaking his understood language of thanks not hers.

Acts of Thanks Story Two:

I knew a man that felt appreciated for working laborious jobs 12-16 hours a day when he came home to his wife either fixing supper, already cooked supper, or even left overs in the frig waiting on him so he could get a shower and spend some time with the family before he had to go to bed to do it all over again the next day.

She knew he felt appreciated that way and made sure even when she would have to go out of town for the day to doctor appointments and such to have left overs in the frig he could warm up or a premade sandwich waiting on him.

“It’s the thought that counts”…yeah, ok. But if that thought remains in your head and is never expressed…it’s not really going to count to someone else much.

So, expressing it in a few ways is simple and knowing which one or combination is easy by listening to the words of another.

Typically, people communicate in the way they receive because that’s the language they understand most. As mentioned before, if you’re a person that loves finding little thank you notes for things you’re probably the one leaving the sticky notes around the office to thank others. If you enjoy being recognized, you’re probably either sending an appreciation or shout out email throughout the department or bringing forth attention in the department for someone’s efforts for some examples.

The question is, are you recognizing someone who would rather be behind the scenes and can’t stand the spot light with preference of time in quite to get a training done, or maybe just a candy bar left on their desk with a simple “thank you for your work ethic” written on a post it.

Anywho, let’s get down to brass tacks and see about some ideas for showing thanks to others:

First, you need to be aware of those around you. Take notice of their comments and actions. Do they talk about how nice something was that was done for them or kind words someone spoke?

Then, how do they show appreciation or gratitude? Every person has a gratitude language and we’re all different. We also, by nature, speak our own…we do know our own best so it makes sense it’s a default.

Next, be aware of your own so that you can evaluate your gratitude and appreciation towards others to make sure you haven’t defaulted to your own language.

Now let’s talk about some options:

• Words of Affirmation
• Giving of Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Quality attention
• Touch – but in the workplace or friendships let’s keep it classy and professional.

1. Words of Affirmation –

• Spoken –

Going out of your way to give them the message of gratitude and being specific, not just saying ‘hey thanks’ as you walk by their office.

Actually knock, ask if they have a moment, then convey your gratitude and why. The why is big!

“Hey, I was able to make it to my doctor appointment on time so I didn’t have to miss dance rehearsal with my daughter. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you finishing that report for me!”

The why is good because there’s no miscommunication of ‘thanks for doing my job for me’ and instead that little bit of vulnerability and transparency brings the act of gratefulness out as coming from your heart and not just ‘because I guess I should say thanks’ thus creating trust.

Granted, not every relationship makes sense to do this and if it’s taken advantage of I wouldn’t say you should feel you need to continue being transparent or vulnerable with the person. Realistically that shouldn’t effect our gratitude and communication with others but just place boundaries with that particular person.

You probably wouldn’t ask for them helping with another report because the problem is deeper rooted than just that instance. Still, giving a full thank you with a little heart felt why may just be what they need over time to soften those deeper issues.

• Written (also can fall in the category of Giving of Gifts)-

A nice well written email, thank you card, note left on the counter or desk, etc. are a great way of giving words of affirmation in professional settings as well as with friends, family, and strangers. It shows you took the time and thought it through, especially if timing just doesn’t typically work out.

Maybe a co-worker on another shift picked up your first hour yesterday because the kids were sick and you had to wait on a sitter but you don’t typically get to see them in the workplace. Write a sticky note and leave it on their desk or locker or mail box cubbie.

2.  Giving of Gifts –

• Add a candy bar or bag of pretzels to that sticky note you left the co-worker.
• Bring back a keychain or desk décor from that vacation to give the co-worker that pulled your weight while you were out.
• A $10 gift card to the coffee or ice cream shop or gas
• new pack of their favorite pens
• a giant eraser for the artist
• a notebook for the student
• planner for the planner
• pack of hair clips the person always uses…and loses
• fresh baked desert
• their favorite salad pack

…the ideas are endless if you just pay attention to what is going on around you. And they don’t have to be pricey to be thoughtful.

3.  Acts of Service –

This one can be endless also.

• Feed office animals/water the plants
• sweep the floor
• bring in lunch or make the lunch run
• put lunch away/clean up
• organize a bookcase or files
• close up the office for them
• pick up the meeting/party items
• wipe down their desk
• bring the mail to them
• give a ride
• refill staplers, stick note holders, pencil cups
• sharpen their pencils
• tutor someone no charge

On a personal life note, a couple things I’ve done before that I didn’t realize how much it meant then but have been reminded of since are these:

• a friend had finally landed an interview after 8 months of looking but she always worked outside and had no office clothes so I brought her to my closet and said if nothing fits we’re going to the store…we ended up at the store and I held true to my word (guess that one goes with giving of gifts also lol)
• watch the kids (all our friends had kids and we didn’t, so when we all got together I would take the kids outside for 30 minutes to an hour so the moms and even dads could have a break with friends. Seldom was it taken advantage of in a negative way but always it was appreciated. I also babysat for our friends so mom and dad could have date nights.)

…the list can go on and on. It just comes down to being aware of needs and wants that people have and seeing if there is a way you can serve them in that area.

4.  Quality Attention –

• Put the phone down
• scoot the computer to the side
• sit down the latest magazine release

Giving undivided attention is a key point in making someone feel they are important.

If you’re a boss or manager, when an employee has done a good job or brings a good work ethic to the table, by all means, sit down with them and thank them while giving them some quality time.

• Do you know what they want out of their job?
• Out of the atmosphere of their job?
• Do you know why they did what they did or why they have the work ethic they do?
• Have you asked them for suggestions where they performed well and earned your gratitude?

Now, are you listening or are you typing reports and answering emails from others?

5.  Touch –

Let’s keep this respectful and appropriate between relationships of family and super close friends, and then professional relationships.

Pat on the back, side hugs, handshakes, high fives, and fist bumps are all appropriate in the spectrum of relationships for the most part. I feel appreciated when someone gives me a hug, in the professional setting I feel appreciated with fist bumps, side hugs, and high fives which are usually all appropriate with both male and female.

A little extra for you!

I love this article on languages of gratitude because we most feel appreciated when we feel loved as a human being, as another person, and important in the lives of others.

Yes, love languages are great and can be identical to gratitude languages.

I personally feel when we show gratitude, we are showing love and showing love to our neighbor brings happiness to God which in turn we are filled with fullness and happiness by giving the gratitude and love. 

1 Corinthians 13:13 (AMP) – 

And now there remain: faith [abiding trust in God and His promises], hope [confident expectation of eternal salvation], love [unselfish love for others growing out of God’s love for me], there three [the choicest graces]; but the greatest of these is love.

Chat soon and God bless,